How To Be An Elitist Music Hipster Faggot Dong Fucker

You there, come closer. Let me tell you a secret. Closer. Can you hear me, am I talking too quiet? Okay. Here it goes. I’ve slept with three women whom I’ve met on the internet. I know, it’s weird. But I find something incredibly romantic about that whole falling in love on a whim, then traveling halfway across the country for a week of-…I could say passion, but in actuality it’s a week long fuckfest. I don’t get it, and it’s so not me, but I am a victim of it. I’d never hint at their names or locales. They, unlike me, have gotten careers since then, and I’m sure they wouldn’t like it if I said something like, “Candice Poyard invited Crabby McFartlice to her home in Michigan so she could ride a dick that’s attached to a guy she’s comfortable with”, and then their employer Googled “Candice Poyard”, and came across the juicy tidbit “Candice Poyard invited Crabby McFartlice to her home in Michigan so she could ride a dick that’s attached to a guy she’s comfortable with”, so I will refrain from using names.

That’s not the secret I was going to tell you, and if you’ve listened to me for years, and listened closely, that wasn’t really a secret. Though I don’t think anyone has ever figured it out.What I’m about to tell you, really, isn’t a secret at all. It’s very well known, all you have to do is talk to me once or twice, and it becomes evident. I am a music snob, I hyperbolically dance around the topic, and openly mock my own music snobbiness, but there’s no denying it.

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Somewhere, within these circles, lies the lengths I’ve gone to to get laid.

I like what I listen to, and dislike what you listen to. I do my best to keep it to myself, and usually I do, but that doesn’t matter. If one has an immense loathing for someone, and they hide it, the loathsome feelings are still there. CHUCK. You know, the guy who doinked this girl I really liked about two months before I had the chance to be her first doink. That was eight years ago, you’d think I’d be over it by now. But she was pretty, and I’m fat. I don’t have a lot of chances to sleep with pretty girls who have never done the ba donka donk donk.

Ahem, digressions abound. Let it be known. I am officially announcing my status as a music snob. No more will it be hidden. If you remember the title of this article, which was; “How To Be An Elitist Music Hipster Faggot Dong Fucker”, you deserve accolades, because this has regressed into something else entirely different, and rather quickly. But, I am a music snob. Do you want to join me, and be a dick to people who listen to MAINSTREAM MUSIC, MAN?! PEOPLE WHO ARE PART OF THE CORPORATE DRONES?!

Well then, let’s get started. The first thing you need to do is, find a popular band, and latch onto them. Pick a band that’s popular, but not too popular. I’ll use my favorite band as an example; The Cardigans.

“But Crabby! If you’re going to be an elitist hipster music dong faggot fucker, shouldn’t you avoid mainstream bands?” Allow me to explain.

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The Perfect Cover. I bet Nina Persson is a real sweetheart. She sounds so nice in all the interviews I’ve read.

Being a music snob isn’t something you gloat about, it’s something you want to hide. When someone catches onto your music snob bullshit, and points out the obvious, a good counter is to mention that your favorite band, in my case, The Cardigans, was at one point, immensely popular, and is still well known. How could a hipster possibly listen to such a popular band?

Never say you dislike mainstream music. If you say “I don’t like mainstream music!”, that says “I’m avoiding this because people aren’t”. Say something like “I’d like to enjoy mainstream music, but I don’t”, this indicates you’re capable of enjoying mainstream music, however you’re currently dissatisfied with the current trends in mainstream music. It sounds like a logical argument, but in actuality it’s just a cop out.

When you’re looking for new bands or artists, ask other people for suggestions. This gives people the idea that you’re not narrow minded and shut in when it comes to your musical tastes. It indicates that rather than being a douche who only listens to what you like, you just like to listen to “different” things, and you’re searching high and low for suggestions of something ‘different’. If you’re open with others about finding music to listen to, surely you’re not a self-centered music snob.

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It’s like an elitist hipster music dong faggot fucker starter kit.

If you’re accused of being a music snob, ask the accuser what bands you listen to that make you a music snob. This will throw them off. If you ask them “What makes me a music snob?”, the answers are obvious. However, if you change gears, dodge the bigger question, and ask a smaller, relevant question, most people will accept your inquiry, and answer it. If they’re unable to answer your question, make note of it.

Mention their argument is baseless. If they say something like “You just listen to weird bands that no one’s heard of!”, you can offer them a two fold counter. The first being a popular band, or popular bands that you like. The second being that you like “different” music, then ask them how much variety there is on the top 40 charts. The truth is, there isn’t much.

But how to find music that hipster faggot music snobs like? The internet! Online radio! Tune into SomaFM.com, go through ShoutCast radio stations, go to Last.FM, punch in a band you like, and wait for a band to play that has less than 100,000 plays to show up, and buy some of their albums! Go to Pandora, punch in a band you like, and reference it with Last.FM to make sure it has a narrow listener base. Last.FM is a very powerful tool for being a music snob. It’s not an absolute gauge of a bands fanbase, but it’s a relative gauge. If a band or artist has fewer than 100,000 plays, they’re an acceptable music snob band. If they have a little over a million, that’s okay, that means they have some notoriety, and that you can lean on them as a more ‘mainstream’ band that you like. Be sure to avoid bands with over ten million plays, those will never get you any music snob credit, or discredit.

You can be a music snob and hide it, too. Just be ready. Think about your arguments, your rebuttals, think about the qualms and exceptions people will take with your music snobbiness, and be prepared to rebuke them.

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