This article was supposed to go up on mother’s day. Sorry, but I was busy making chocolate pudding at 4am, because I had completely lost control of my life. Ah, mother’s day. The one time of the year that I get to experience my mother drunk, my sister yelling at waitresses about the safety of a perfectly safe high chair, and my spoiled younger brother screaming at me for absolutely no reason.
My mother and I don’t always see eye to eye, as anyone who’s heard “the hammer story” can probably tell you, but I still love her. I know now, after all these years, that she tried her best. It isn’t easy raising a bunch of asshole kids by yourself when you’re in your early twenties. This is probably a big part of why I refuse to have any accidents myself.
There are mothers, however, who are much worse. I could put in research and find five of them to write about or resort to jokes about my sister being a parent now, but it’s my day off and I’m stoned. My sister probably isn’t doing too bad anyway. Instead I thought it would be best to talk about fictional mothers, whom I already know enough about to half ass an article and attempt to pass it off as something worthy of publication. It’s either that or I masturbate and play Marvel Vs. Capcom 3 until I fall asleep at my desk. I just added Strider Hiryu to my team as an anchor, and my torrent of Mai Chan’s Daily Life is almost done. Take your pick.
I could write about Sophitia Alexandra from Soul Calibur, who gave birth to two of the stupidest children in the universe, Annette Birkin from Resident Evil 2, who allowed her eight year old daughter to run around a zombie infested city, Alma Wade from F.E.A.R, or even Jenova from Final Fantasy VII, but while compiling my list I found that most of what I was writing was about one woman in particular. That woman is Jean Grey. This is an entire article about why Jean Grey is the worst mother ever.
Jean is a comic book character who is mostly known for two things: being ridiculously powerful, and dying. Every time she dies, or comes back to life, or does both, she finds a way to drastically change comics forever. Heck, there have been entire story arcs in the X-Books about HER DEAD BODY. This article isn’t about the fact that she gives Wolverine Blue Balls, or whored it up with Charles Xavier, however. It’s about how she’s a bad parent.
Compared to the other mothers mentioned in my introduction, Jean is a special case. Not only has she fucked up with multiple children, but just the act of her GIVING BIRTH has managed to have dire consequences for the Marvel Universe. Rachel Summers, the daughter of Jean and Cyclops from an alternate future full of Sentinels that rocket punch mutants on sight, managed to plot device herself into regular continuity. The act of doing this subconsciously caused a little event called Onslaught. You remember him, right? Good job, Rachel. After dying and coming back to life (as she is often known to do), Jean wouldn’t even look her alternate universe daughter in the eye, simply because she was proof that the future sucks.
Jean’s most famous child is probably Cable. You must know who he is, as Marvel absolutely stuffed him down people’s throats in the nineties. He was the child of Scott Summers and an evil plot device clone of Jean, because, YOU GUESSED IT: Jean died. most of Cable’s time in publication was spent time traveling, fighting or his life in a dystopian future, and destroying Santhrax teams with Hyper Viper Beams. This is because his parents decided it would be better to send him to the future with some lady they barely knew than to raise him themselves.
Cable also had a twin brother named Stryfe, who’s big claim to fame is dressing like The Shredder and being batshit crazy. Technically he’s a clone of Cable, who was the child of Cyclops and a clone of Jean Grey. Clone baby was neglected by his parents until he went crazy, kidnapped them, force fed them baby formula (not even kidding), and caused a gigantic crossover with the X-Books that I really didn’t want to have to read.
Jean’s final child happens to be an alternate universe version of Cable who calls himself X-Man, despite never actually being a member of the actual X-Men. This was during the Age of Apocalypse. In this future Jean’s whoring led to Cyclops losing an eye and Wolverine losing a hand. Jean also died again. He was the star of another horrible attempt at selling 90’s X-Men comics that I really didn’t want to read, whined a lot and annoyed me, and then dropped off the map until recently, where he came back into continuity as a dirty hippie. One of the most powerful mutants ever, and he’s wasting his life.
Well there you have it. Not every mother can say that she threw a hammer at her son over some Chinese food, or threatened to cut his throat in his sleep because he left a can of Pepsi out overnight, but surely that beats being thrown into a time warp or being infected by a parasitic life form. I’d take my biological mother over this woman in a heartbeat. Also, there’s this: