With my current situation, I’ve been distanced from the few pleasures I have in life, those pleasures being drugs and the internet. I have slipped into a downward spiral of perpetual boredom, only broken up by Adult Swim, writing articles, and slaughtering ten-year-olds in Soul calibur Ranked matches. Yet through it all, I’ve still never opened that copy of Sam Walton’s autobiography that’s sitting on my bookshelf. I don’t plan to, either.
The boredom has gotten so bad that I find myself watching cartoons. I can’t lie, I’ve even noticed that I sometimes enjoy them. Being an adult, I usually think the shows to be dumb, unoriginal, and cannot understand why children idolize these things when they are all basically the same. I grew up on a healthy dose of G.I. Joe fighting terrorism and Robocop shooting rapists in the balls. I started watching and studying, and having the mental capacity to figure out such things, I’ve noticed some patterns and trends that all of these shows seem to follow.
Well the Jew brain got to work, one thing led to another, and before I knew it, I had figured out a foolproof way to get very rich, very fast. I’ve put together instructions to make your very own, unoriginal, kid friendly anime show. If you follow these guidelines you too can create a marketing juggernaut that will make you ridiculously rich off of merchandising alone, even if the show completely sucks.
First, your show needs some very kid friendly themes, such as trust, friendship, never giving up, that sort of lame thing. EVERY SINGLE EPISODE HAS TO CENTER AROUND THESE IN SOME WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM, NO MATTER WHAT.
Next you need a theme song. The lyrics of the song could feature stuff about your kid friendly themes, or be entirely in Japanese. it’s all up to you. Make it something cheerful and poppy. The kind of song that gets stuck in your head and makes you want to bore it out by taking a power drill to your left temple.
After that, of course you need characters. How can you have a show without characters? You can’t, that’s how. I know that made no sense the way I typed it. Shut the fuck up. Every show has to have the following stereotypical characters in order to be successful. Just follow these templates and save yourself the guesswork.
First, you gotta have a hero with amazingly weird hair.He is probably pacifist, regardless of the giant sword he’s carrying around on his back. His hair has to be super strange. I mean STRANGE. Spiky, blue, looking like there’s a cardboard cutout taped to the back of his head, something, anything. The hero also has to dress like a flaming homosexual.
Next, you need a ridiculously hot chick. There will be obvious sexual tension between the chick and the hero, even though nothing will ever come of it, considering the hero will never pick up on her. People watching the show will just assume he is a homosexual, although the show itself will never touch the subject.
Always in the arms of the chick will be a lame-ass cute animal… thing. It’s pretty retarded. I don’t even recall one of these things even having a purpose to the shows I’ve seen. Nevertheless, it is absolutely vital to the money making scheme. Believe me, you’ll be selling loads of plush dolls of the cute animal.
A great way to keep kids interested and sell T-shirts is to have a bad-ass rival guy character who seems much cooler than the hero, no matter what angle you look at it from. They’re not technically a bad guy, and may even have to join forces with the hero and his friends at some point for an episode. The rival is usually some former best friend, or an opponent who was defeated previously by our hero. You could even toss an ultra predictable curve ball by having the rival be the hero’s brother. Nevertheless, the rival will go to any length to get the upper hand, but they will ALWAYS turn face at the very end.
If the rival happens to be a female she will always have a thing for the hero, and will often feud with the ridiculously hot chick over the hero’s heart, while he sits there oblivious. she will probably confess her undying love for the hero before dying in some futile effort to destroy the bad guy, and will more than likely save the hero’s life at some point.
If the bad-ass rival guy happens to be a dude, he will more than likely look very feminine, but be a total ladies man. He will either sweep the chick off of her feet and piss the hero off with it, or make plenty of advances at the chick, which will not be returned, except for one episode where she decides to make the hero jealous. Some sick fuck is gonna draw gay anime porn featuring the hero and the rival. It’s inevitable. There’s probably gonna be Hentai with the hero and rival double teaming the chick as well, possibly even raping her with her own weapon.
There’s no point in having a hero if you don’t have any villains. First you have the goofy villain. He’s the dumb schmuck that you see in every episode, having his plans foiled and basically looking like a total jackass. He might have a cute animal thing of his own, and if so, it’s probably smarter than him. The goofy villain answers to the bad guy, who’s a no nonsense, really powerful dude. The hero and his friends won’t face him until the very end, and just when they think they’ve beaten him, the really bad guy will make his entrance.
The really bad guy is such a boss that he kills the bad guy with practically no effort, just for failing at defeating hero with amazingly weird hair and his friends. Only the hero will face him, and anyone else will be swatted away like insignificant little flies. Just when the hero looks like he’s beat, he’ll get some sort of ultimate power because his friends believe in him, the show’s theme song will kick in, and he’ll defeat the really bad guy easily. It never fails.
Two completely optional characters are the mentor and the mysterious dude. The mentor is either some world champion something or another, or an old guy with lots of wisdom to share. he’s probably a pedophile, pervert, or alcoholic, leading to humorous scenes with him staring at the hero oddly, or touching the chick’s ass and getting slapped.
The mysterious dude shows up to save the hero’s ass all the time. He’s a character you see all the time, and it’s blatantly obvious who he really is, but nobody will guess on the show. If you’re smart you’ll have a show where his identity is in jeopardy. He seems pretty awesome, but once people know who he is, he becomes a useless pansy. It may even get to the point of the hero and his friends saving mysterious dude from peril on some occasions.
The hero and his friends will have to go on lots of adventures obviously. They all have to tie into the themes mentioned above. As long as they somehow manage that, they don’t actually have to feature anything that brings the hero closer to his goal, or even advance the story at all. The longer your series becomes, the more DVDs you can sell.
Each adventure will be all nicely wrapped up at the end of a half hour episode, with important, story driven episodes being a two-parter. That’s really all there is to it. Follow these guidelines and you’ll be like the guy in that Drowning Pool video in no time. I mean, who doesn’t want a briefcase of money handcuffed to their arm, while loads of hot chicks in swimsuits with big titties make out all around them? I know I do. What are you? some kind of prude? What are you waiting for? This closing paragraph was obviously pulled out of my ass. You know what? I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore.