Nineties Kids

Gather around, everyone. I’m sure we’re all familiar with the twat who was born in 1993 who likes to say they’re a ‘nineties’ kid, that they grew up with Pete & Pete (I kinda like Pete & Pete, I don’t want to be that guy I’m talking about in this post, but I kinda like Pete & Pete), Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (surprisingly, stands up to time rather well), Rocko’s Modern Life (52 episodes of thinly veiled masturbation jokes), and Kenan & Kel (Despite my love of menthol cigarettes and chubby white chicks, I’m not black, so I didn’t watch Kenan & Kel). When did these shows start airing? The early nineties to mid nineties. If you were born in 1993, you were four when Kenan & Kel premiered, your siblings were still cumstains on your dad’s boxer briefs when Rocko’s Modern Life and Pete & Pete premiered. You weren’t even born when Salute Your Shorts stopped being a TV show! Who gets to say they’re a nineties kid, what the hell even is a nineties kid?

That isn’t called “The 90’s”, it’s called “Childhood”. Also, if you think Full House is a good show, go fuck yourself.

From what I’ve gathered ‘nineties kids’ is a way to connect to the era of the 60s and 70s, which as a cultural era, is horribly overrated. When the hippie movement started, and there were totally bitchin’ bands like Deep Purple crankin’ out records like Machine Head, and King Crimson with In The Court of the Crimson King, which were records synonymous with your parents youths. There were also shitty records by hippie bands, but fuck your hippie music, prog metal is where it’s at. When you parents were slammin’ cigs and joints while crankin’ Moon Child in their Camaro, they were in their late teens, early twenties, their formative years, the years when that shit has an impact on who you are as a person. In the nineties, people identify with bands like Nirvana, Soundgarden, and Stone Temple Pilots, bands they ‘grew up with’. But how old were you, really, when Core came out, when Nevermind was released, and when Superunknown set the standard for how rock music was supposed to sound? 5, 6? 8? 10? Those are the years when you’re a child who’s barely cognitive and has terrible taste. It’s why people think Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is good. Kids have shitty taste, what you liked when you were a preteen is likely something you only identify with because it reminds you of a time when you weren’t a failure, when you still had a chance to do well in life, but instead squandered your college years on six dollar litres of vodka and trying to bang the hot chicks while being too stuck on yourself to pick up the chubbies who, with time, you realize look way better than the chick with the fake tan and hair that’s been dyed blonde so many times it has the appearance and consistency of straw. I was going after the chubby Hungarian-Chinese chick when I was in college. I’m not suggesting you follow my lead, but there are other options.

I was born in 1986, but my formative years, not my childhood, but my actual formative years were in the late nineties, and early 2000s. They were spent with the Playstation 2, the Dreamcast, and the XBox. My youth was proliferated with Halo, Phantasy Star Online, and wondering when the PS2 is going to get a game better than Timesplitters or SSX. If you’re honest with yourself, yours probably was, too. You’re not a nineties kid. You’re a 2000s kid, and that’s probably better than being a ‘nineties’ kid. No, actually, it is. Online gaming finally happened in the 2000s, the internet went from being something to browse eBay on to being the porn capital of the world. There are no merits to being a ‘nineties kid’, fuck the past, I wanna live in the future! I want to live in the world where they make mile long cigarettes that aren’t bad for you, and you can puff, puff away all day without some asshole in a Prius giving you the stink eye because they have to see you smoking as their environmental impact mobile whirrs by. Fuck that guy.

The NES came out in 1985, dumbass.

Who gets to say they’re nineties kids? I’d say people born around 1977-1983. That’s the cutoff. That’s when you spent a majority of your youth, your impressionable years in the nineties. I know that kids are impressionable when they’re six, but how much of that has stuck with you, really? Do you still listen to Blues Clues records as an adult? Still watch Teletubbies? If you do, lead off conversations with that so people know you’re not worth talking to. What you were watching, playing, and reading in your teens, 12-18, that’s what sticks with you when you’re an adult. You know what I was playing when I was between the ages of 12 and 18? Halo, MMOs, Freespace 2, Vagrant Story, Homeworld, Half-Life and Jew’s favourite, Bushido Blade. Ask him about Bushido Blade, it’s his favourite. You know what I still enjoy to this day, and am still playing? MMOs, Halo sequels, and games based on the Source engine. Vagrant Story and Bushido Blade are two of my favourite games. I’m still infatuated with space games, I’m thoroughly excited about Star Citizen and am glad to finally get my hands on Strike Suit Zero.

If you’re 20, you’re not a nineties kid. If you’re 25, you’re not a nineties kid. Stop trying to cling to a niche just because you think it gives you a right to be an elitist twat on the internet who complains how good things used to be. Things got better. Except for you. You’re still a cummy piece of shit. I hope you get AIDS.

A special thanks to Tumblr for providing the images used in this article. Tumblr: The Best Place for Elitist Twats on the Tubez™.