10 Bad Choices For Marvel Vs. Capcom 3 DLC
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Marvel Vs. Capcom 3 has a very diverse roster of characters who all have unique and interesting play styles. Ultimate Marvel Vs. Capcom 3: New Age of Cash Flow added another ten characters to an already impressive cast. However, there is no way to please everyone. Almost as soon as the game went gold, people were there to complain. Many hours of my life have been wasted scrolling through pointless request lists, character polls, and online petitions asking for almost every character you could possibly think of. Instead of digging into the game and exploring the options that were presented to them, and possibly even enjoying the fact that there are more than two viable team setups for competitive play this time around, people would rather cry about the exclusion of Megaman and beg the developers to include “random background character from favorite obscure comic that hasn’t been relevant in over a decade”.

When it all finally died down and I thought it was safe to look for combo videos again, a badly photoshopped poster of a fake MVC3 add-on that obviously used the Street Fighter X Tekken logo popped up, and started things up again. Well I say “no more”! People need to accept the fact that nobody REALLY wants to play as Silver Samurai. Sure, Cyclops, THE LEADER OF THE DAMN X-MEN didn’t make it into the game, and I often cry myself to sleep at night because there’s no love for the ‘Baz, but things could always be worse. Don’t believe me? How about we take a look at ten characters that NOBODY in their right mind would dare cry to Capcom about.

Phil Grayfield used to he an up an coming football player, until he took an injury to the knee. After that he became a sports reporter. However, one of the people he happened to be interviewing turned out to be a mad scientist. A mad scientist who just happened to have invented a nearly indestructible football uniform. Coincidentally the scientist’s home/secret lab was attacked by hooligans, out to steal valuable NFL memorabilia. While captured by the bad guys, Phil somehow manages to set the place on fire and get himself covered in some chemicals. The chemicals, in combination with the fire and diverse ultra-rare football souvenirs going up in flames, turn him into a near-invincible superhero. He decides to put on the football gear and bring the punks to justice. Talk about a crazy day! Yes. This is an actual comic book. Lasted twelve issues, in fact. Yes, it WAS only written to get free football tickets. How did you guess?

Gameplay:
I actually have no idea, as I have better tastes than to read Superpro comics. Wikipedia doesn’t say anything about his powers or abilities, but Stiltman mentioned beating him up once, so he must suck. Considering his supporting cast is filled by a Jew that shoots pennies out of his hands, an obese black guy with an invincible stomach, and a Korean guy who’s good with numbers, I’d say stereotypes are the name of the game. He’d play just like a football player… Whatever that entails.

Level 3 Hyper Combo:
Superpro’s rogue’s gallery attacks him, but he somehow fumbles his way into accidentally getting the second player in the crossfire. Considering his villains include a place kicker turned ninja, a steroid monkey, and instant replay: the assassin who can slice through time, I think the player will find better ways to spend three bars.

On disc DLC alternate costume:
How about one of those sweet ass futuristic uniforms that Nike designed?

Perhaps one of the strangest additions to the Street Fighter cast in the recent years, Hakan is possibly the only turkish oil wrestler to ever be playable in a fighting game. His odd play style quickly helped him become synonymous with butt sex and anal lube, and therefore became my favorite character in Street Fighter IV. That says more about me than I’d like to admit.

Gameplay:
Being the absolute worst character in pre-patch Street Fighter IV, Hakan will have nearly no chance in hell of succeeding in the world of Marvel Vs. Capcom 3, where screen filling lasers, hidden missile lockdown, flight, and nearly instant teleports are the name of the game. Oil up and hope for the best!

Level 3 Hyper Combo:
Just try to imagine either of these attacks being done to Sentinel’s character model.

On disc DLC alternate costume:
Hakan might as well not wear a costume at all.

Known as the most powerful telepath on the planet and leader of the X-Men. Professor Charles Xavier’s other defining characteristic is being stuck in a wheelchair. Like most of Marvel’s continuity, these three traits tend to come and go at the convenience of the current plot.

Gameplay:
Having poor mobility and weak normals, Xavier will have to rely on clever use of his mental attacks to set up beneficial situations for him. He isn’t an easy character to use, but if you’re the type of player who enjoys “mind games”, this is the character for you.

Level 3 Hyper Combo:
Charles gets in his opponent’s head and does battle with them on the astral plane. There is a small chance that the move will fail and a mental projection of Mr. Sinister shows up to push Xavier down a flight of imaginary stairs instead.

On disc DLC alternate costume:
This would totally have to be 90’s Professor X with the sweet ass hover chair. What ever happened to that thing anyway? It looked like the Pimp My Ride crew had a field day with that thing.

Hailing from Megaman 2, Bubbleman was the guy that everyone attacked first. The level leading up to the boss battle was more challenging than Bubbleman himself. In fact, the room that you fought him in was more likely to kill you than he was. Capcom gave us two of Megaman’s Supporting characters, two alternate outfits that looked like the Blue Bomber, and plenty of background cameos without actually putting the damn guy in the game. Fans are pissed and think they’re getting trolled, and it’s hilarious. Putting one of the lamest characters in the history of the Megaman franchise into Marvel 3 while STILL refusing to put the ACTUAL hero in the game would be icing on the already deliciously salty cake.

Gameplay:
Imagine a character with Hsien-Ko’s mobility, Phoenix’s vitality, and Arthur’s normals. Sounds fun, right?

Level 3 Hyper Combo:
Bubble man fills the screen with water, and puts spikes along the top of the level. Much like the rest of the character, this move is nearly useless.

On disc DLC alternate costume:
The other worthless Robot Master, Cutman. If Zero can pretend to be X twice, why can’t Bubbleman do the same?

A long, long time ago the X-Men books weren’t doing so hot. Marvel’s answer to this problem was to replace the entire team with a bunch I fresh new faces that nobody cared about. One of those guys was Cypher, who’s mutant power was the ability to read and understand any language on the fly. Considering his job description of “Super Hero”, Cypher didn’t last very long. In a book full of people that can shoot lasers and punch through walls, Cypher couldn’t even find a cool way to die. Cypher managed to get himself shot and forgotten about until recent books, where he was resurrected as a zombie and still managed to be lame.

Gameplay:
Ryota Nitsuma, the producer of Ultimate Marvel Vs. Capcom 3 has stated that it was rather difficult for the Japanese team to come up with moves for some of the lesser known characters on the Marvel Side. Creating a move list for Cypher will be the ultimate challenge. One that will end in failure. He will be about as useful as Phoenix Wright without evidence, with no opportunity to enter turnabout mode.

Level 3 Hyper Combo:
Cypher pulls out the official Bradygames strategy guide for UMVC3 and reads his own move list. It works a lot like M.O.D.O.K.’s levels of understanding, except it doesn’t really help him.

On disc DLC alternate costume:
In the true sense of laziness, Cypher’s alternate outfit will be exactly the same as his normal attire, except for a single bullet hole.

As the last boss of the original Final Fight and leader of the infamous Mad Gear gang, Belger is not what you would expect. At all. Much like Professor X, Belger is bound to a wheelchair. The only difference is that he’s faking his disability… and he has a crossbow. Belger would later return to the final fight series as a zombie, but manage to be a hundred times cooler than zombie Cypher, despite his lameness.

Gameplay:
Belger will almost exclusively be a striker character, calling his henchmen from Final Fight to do his dirty work. Belger’s game plan is to constantly keep the screen full of Dugs and Two-Ps, as well as the occasional El Gado or Andore Jr. Aside from that, he can’t do much except shoot his own guys.

Level 3 Hyper Combo:
Belger summons the infamous human shield. Holding Mike Haggar’s daughter allows him to move around freely, firing his crossbow without fear of anything except throws.

On disc DLC alternate costume:
Zombie Belger from Final Fight Revenge. Fuck yes.

One of Iron Man’s many lame villains, and more famously known for being the Marvel Equivalent of a Star Trek “Red Shirt”. Many people have picked up the mantle of the Crimson Dynamo, and usually die off-panel in painful and humiliating ways. I don’t even think the Soviets know who’s inside the armor half the time.

Gameplay:
Crimson Dynamo is the definition of the term “Glass Cannon”… Except for the “Cannon” part. Much like his comic book counterpart, he has an extremely low life expectancy and no chance for damage output. It’s like trying to play Iron Man without assists. Yeah, I said it. You can come up with all the ground fly combos and refly loops that you want to, Iron Man is still ass.

Level 3 Hyper Combo:
Much like Phoenix going dark, If Crimson Dynamo dies while holding five bars, he will be replaced by another person wearing the mantle.

On disc DLC alternate costume:
It really doesn’t matter, as the character won’t survive long enough to actually see it.

Quite possibly one of the most ineffective villains to ever grace the Resident Evil series, Alfred didn’t do much except antagonize Claire Redfield and Leonardo Dicaprio with creepy giggling and cross dressing antics in Resident Evil: Code Veronica. He didn’t even survive until the second disc.

Gameplay:
Much like he did in Resident Evil, Alfred’s gameplay will revolve around moving a tiny red laser pointer dot while trying and failing to line up shots with his sniper rifle. He also laughs a lot in a high pitched voice. It’s pretty creepy.

Level 3 Hyper Combo:
Alfred lets out a long and pompous speech about the glory of the Ashford name, and how his sister is the pride of his legacy. He almost sounds like he loves her to the point of incest. Did I mention that he’s creepy?

On disc DLC alternate costume:
At one point in Resident Evil: Code Veronica Alfred dressed up as his sister Alexia. It was creepy when he did it in Resident Evil, and it would be even creepier to know that somebody spent five dollars to do it here.

Far out on the Cosmic level of Marvel continuity exists a group of beings who watch and record the events of the universe. That’s it. That’s all these guys do. They watch shit happen. They aren’t even ALLOWED to intervene if some crazy, universe destroying stuff goes down. They’re the fictional equivalent of that asshole who records a fist fight with his smartphone and yells about WorldStar Hip Hop instead of breaking things up.

Gameplay:
Being a noncombatant, The Watcher is pretty much regulated to the sidelines. Why would you even pick this character?

Level 3 Hyper Combo:
The Watcher tags out so that he can watch the battle. Yes, you will spend three bars to essentially hard tag. What did you expect from a guy named “The Watcher”?

On disc DLC alternate costume:
If M.O.D.O.K. Can get Elvis hair and Aviator sunglasses, this dude would HAVE to wear those spy glasses with the fake nose and mustache, like in the cartoons.

A failed attempt at creating a company mascot, Captain Sawada replaced Fei-Long in everything Street Fighter: The Movie related, including Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game. He was then promptly forgotten.

Gameplay:
Like a broken M.U.G.E.N. character.

Level 3 Hyper Combo:
Borrowing a page from Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game, Sawada commits Seppoku, killing himself and any enemy that happens to be within his incredibly awkward hitbox during the attack. It’s super effective!

On disc DLC alternate costume:
Considering Sawada is Fei-Long and Fei-Long is Sawada, the only logical step is to have Sawada cosplaying as Fei-Long.

There you have it. The next time a discussion comes up on your forum of choice about how Capcom dropped the ball by not including Jin Satome or Spiral in place of Trish or Taskmaster, please flame them and link them to this article. Do your part to end rampant, pointless fanboyism. Remember, it could always be worse.