Greetings fellow gamers! Now I have no doubts that many of you are already very capable when it comes to delivering personal pain to the people you play videogames with online. In fact, if you’re one of those naive types who lacks even basic deprivation skills and are looking for a soup to nuts guide on inflicting dehumanizing insults, this guide isn’t for you. I’d recommend that you instead spend your time developing those core skills by hanging around the nearest public middle school or internet forum. Rather, this guide is for those looking to hone their already formidable trolling capabilities; to unlock the power of their psychological Satsui no Hado. Without further ado, allow me to present my pro tips on making an opponent feel terrible during, and after a match!
PRO TIP #1: Avoid innovation or originality at all costs.
Contrary to what your mother likely told you when you were growing up in order to make you feel better, you are not a special little snowflake bursting with creativity. You probably default to using the same generic insults that your peers have used, such as “scrub” or “try-hard” without actually understanding what they mean (and yes, I can, in fact, hear the pitter patter of your fingers on your keyboard as you furiously Google these terms so that you can tell me how wrong I am. One of the interesting byproducts of the internet is that it allows anyone to present themselves as a Rhodes Scholar on a message board.)
But don’t think I’m discouraging you! It is your inability to be clever which will ultimately be the downfall of your unworthy opponent. You see, being clever results in creating humor, which completely defeats the purpose. By conforming to the standards set by those smarter than yourself, you present a unifed front of hostility; a Great Wall of monosyllabic nonsense words and lemonparty links that even the most steadfast of gamers will eventually find disheartening, disgusting and/or slightly arousing.
PRO TIP #2: Go out of your way to elicit a negative response from your opponent.
It is here where the men get seperated from the prepubescent boys whom you likely spend most of your time with online. Any jackass can settle for spamming the “incessant teabagging” button after a match in the hopes of generating some transitory anger, but a master knows that rage can exist outside the confines of the battlefield, if he or she is willing to work for it. For this purpose, I’ve developed a strict training regimen that I fully expect you to practice in every match henseforth:
Step 1: At the end of every match you win, send your opponent a demeaning, brief text message. Don’t forget about Pro Tip #1.
Step 2: Record any text, video, or audio response they sends you. Prepare that response for uploading on youtube as a video.
Step 3: Preface the video with stuff that paints his comments out of context and makes him look like the offending party. Use black title cards with white text to accomplish this. It’s the popular thing to do these days. Don’t forget to post the last word in the aforementioned title cards (ideally one your opponent has had no chance to prepare a response for). Everyone must know your dominance of the exchange.
Step 4: If at all possible, make sure to painstakingly research personal information about them and post that information online, such as their e-mail address, home address, phone number, class schedule, pet’s name, or the ways in which their face resembles Justin Bieber, and why they should be upset about this.
Step 5: Finally, don’t forget to post the video on rage-qutters.com with accusations of them dropping a match early, as we all know how much time people take out of their day to memorize the Gamertags of those who rage quit.
It may seem like you’re going to an awfully huge amount of effort for such little reward, but when your black heart reverberates with the notion that you might have caused a minor inconveninence to some stranger you’ll likely never meet, it will make it all worth while.
Top Tier characters and High Level game play…
PRO TIP #3: Fully embrace your sense of entitlement.
Every true warrior knows that the fighter’s spirit is as essential to winning a conflict as a toned body, and since you are pretending to be a warrior (in a video game, and perhaps in real life as well), such spirit is just as important to you. The key is knowing what tenants to embrace that will drive you to success where others will simply settle for a single slanderous hate message.
You need to believe that other gamers owe you for your presence in their game. You spent the money to buy it after all, or those hard earned minutes pirating it, and dammit, people will play YOUR way because of it. They WILL finish their matches against you, whether they are enjoying them or not. They WILL use the moves that you believe demonstrate skill (also known as those moves that took you some time to figure out as you watched the youtube video frame by frame to get the timing right.) If they refuse, you need to pounce on their weakness in order to elicit maximum impact. Without the sense of entitlement however, you will miss key opportunities to show your developing opponent who the true Street Fighter is.
PRO TIP #4: Act as if you are a genius.
Somebody is going to have a nice revelation when they realize their degree in psychology is going to get them nowhere in life. Enjoy being better than everyone else while you struggle to pay your rent. Be sure that your self satisfaction will keep you warm at night while snuggled up in a refridgerator box… well, parts of you will be warm at least. Go on Shoryuken.com and negatively comment on every single piece of front page news as if you are the only person capable of doing anything right. Get into arguments and use words that you’ve looked up on Dictionary.com. Twist statements and only aknowledge the parts of replies that you can think up a clever rebuttal for. Anything else is below you.
Get your trollface JPEGs ready, ladies and gentlemen. You’re about to be putting them to work. Follow this guide and you’ll be a gaming legend in no time.