Soul Calibur II As Reviewed By Heihachi Mishima

I’m not really one for multitasking, and there’s A LOT of shit that I have to do on this website to keep the fraudulent title of “Internet Journalist”, so when I was asked to write something about Soul Calibur II, I asked an old friend of mine to “test his might”. Now the guy I got isn’t exactly what you would call an established writer, but I think he should fit right in with this type of game. Who could I possibly enlist that would do justice to one of my all time favorite games? Well ladies and gentlemen, that would be “The King Of Iron Fist” himself: Heihachi Mishima.

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Peter Kowalsky is PATHETIC! If he had spent less time on his internet blog and more time on his task, he would have had PLENTY of time to review two video games by his deadline! I would be back in the mountains training with my bear and not here toying with these fist fighting machinations!

Regardless, I am here and therefore I will complete my task! Only spineless weaklings leave something undone! I do not waste my time with video gaming systems and therefore knew nothing about this box Of Exes prior to my review!

I went into the Electronics Boutique and purchased one, which was a daunting task because I’m not supposed to leave the house by myself, but I get around just fine with my cane! When I got home and set it up I pressed the power button and it prompted me for a disc! It would seem that Soul Calibur II is not simply in the box Of Exes, yet I would have to purchase a separate disc! The man hiding behind the counter failed to inform me of this prior to my purchase! When I returned to the store he acted like I should have known!

A warrior of my status does not appreciate being toyed with! He appreciates being made into a fool even less! I delivered onto the Cowering man a mighty uppercut, and punched him ten times before he hit the ground! To this day he is yet to land!

Returning home, I discovered that Kuma shit on the carpet again! This bear is USELESS! His father was a fine combatant, trained in the martial arts! He was a killing machine! This bear I have now is WEAK! He spends his days trying to fornicate with a panda bear and wearing silly red T-Shirts and sneakers and shitting on my carpet! The next time I catch him eating potato chips when he should be punching trees I am going to bring down the hammer of god with my fists and decimate him!

Before I could even pick up the controller my doorbell rang! it was local children, asking if I wanted to buy GIRL SCOUT COOKIES! I have no time for these games! A mighty fighter such as myself lives on a steady diet of the crushed hopes and broken bones of his opponents! I have no need for ginger snaps! My doctor says they are bad for my diabetes anyway! Foolish doctor! What does one who payed his way through education know about the health and fighting spirit of a grand champion contender?!?

Much like I did to my doctor, I grabbed the children, jumped into the air, and POWERBOMBED them into the pavement, DESTROYING their fragile bodies instantly! BAH! ginger snaps!

Finally getting back to the task at hand, my telephone rings! It is my grandson! Checking in on me! Just because I slip climbing in and out of the bath tub! My age decieves him because his mind is fogged with puny, human emotions. He has become a goth! Speaking constantly of Nails that are Nine Inches long, and His Chemical Romance! My bloodline is thinning! When his father was his age I grabbed him by his head and THREW HIM INTO A CLIFF, saying only “if you truly are my son you will climb back up!”

My son not only climbed back up, but found a fighting spirit like no other! When I was finally able to overcome him in hand to hand combat I THREW HIM INTO A VOLCANO to see how strong he truly was, and he climbed out of that as well! Back when I was his age that was acceptable behavior! Now if you put a fist on your child it is “being abusive!” BAH! People sicken me, with their Pokemon and their Child Protection Laws! The lot of them would be destroyed if they stepped into the octagon with me!

When Jin finally stopped his insessant nagging and whining, I grabbed a bag of Worthers candy and put Soul Calibur II into the Box of Exes! While it was loading I noticed a terrible smell! It was time to change my adult diaper, and the nurse does not show up until noon! I will be sitting in my own feces for another hour!

This game borders on laughable! The combatants make me laugh so hard, I cough up pchlem and need to use my inhaler! They use pathetic swords and axes! I could beat them to death without the aid of my walker! A true warrior needs only his fists! The colors are too vibrant! The music is too loud! The game is too distracting! When I was a child we had no toys! We were put to work in the factory and we liked it!

That weakling Yoshimitsu is in this game! The last time I saw him he was acting goofy and standing on his sword like a moron, making a fool of himself! He reminds me of Peter Kowalsky, crying about how he is worried about his friend, and complaining about girls, and looking for a job! I grabbed them both under my arm and rubed their head with my fist to make lighting come out, then I BROKE THEIR NECKS!

I was having trouble seeing so I went to put my reading glasses on and tripped on my wooden sandals and fell! I think I broke my hip! I’m pressing the button on my emergency bracelet but they aren’t coming fast enough! when they get here I will uppercut every last one of them!

Damn, looks like Heihachi hasn’t aged as well as NAMCO would have us think in the Tekken games. I guess maybe I should have reviewed the game myself.

2 thoughts on “Soul Calibur II As Reviewed By Heihachi Mishima

  1. Haha, this article was great! You should do sequels where Spawn and Link review the game. Link’s review would be like “Huh! Hyah! Killik is cheap! Haaaaaaa!”

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