THI Classix™ – Super Cosplay War Ultra
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Holy shit this game is strange. I had to share this piece of gold with the new generation, and I assure you this isn’t the strangest thing on my Hard-Drive. Wow… where to begin on this one? Just… wow. When I first stumbled upon this game, I really didn’t know what to think of it, and to be honest… I still have no idea. I tried to enlist the help of a few people more experienced in cosplay articles, but I didn’t get very far.

Marion Wallace: eh…i doubt it. i haven’t been in the mood to write anything in a long, LONG time… and that game pissed me off and made no sense.

Justin McDonald(s): YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU IN THE JUNGLE BABY! WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE! WE GOT FUN AND GAMES! WE GOT EVERYTHING YOU WANT, HONEY, WE KNOW THE GAMES! WE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT CAN FIND …WHATEVER YOU MAY NEED! IF YOU GOT THE MONEY, HONEY, THEN WE’VE GOT YOUR DISEASE! …OH, IN THE JUNGLE! WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE! WATCH IT BRING YOU TO YOUR SHANAHNAHNAHNAHNAHNAHNAH-KNEES! KNEES!

It looked like I was on my own for this one. I guess I should just dive right in.

Going to the character select screen, we are immediately made aware that this game is entirely hand drawn… badly. This isn’t going to end well. We’ve got our fair share of characters, ranging from (what would be) hot cosplayer chicks and weirdo anime nerds to “what the hell is that.”

Some notable characters are the prepubescent Terry Bogard, the obese, pink haired girl dual wielding ice cream cones, and the pubic chinned, nunchuk swinging oddity in the yellow body suit.

I’m not sure how he managed it, but my cousin paul also somehow made it into this game.

The character select screen is broken up into three parts. The top is all the normal characters, underneath that we have “seeded,” which only has two people, and a lot of spaces labeled “crate closed.” I’m just as clueless as you guys. This whole thing is horribly programmed. it takes an entire second after pressing a direction for the cursor to move to another character, which makes me think that playing this and putting up any sort of a fight is going to be a chore. As shown above, you can stick the cursor almost anywhere on the screen, including on the “Super Cosplay war Ultra” logo, although you can’t select it.

On the bottom we have “extra,” which is where all of the interesting people can be found. This is also where the games training mode is located, although it doesn’t do anything. Wait a minute… Super Astro Man? Is that Astro Boy with his eyes blocked out?

Oh…

Although deeply disturbing, this move certainly isn’t the strangest thing that this game has to offer. Trust me.

When you pause the game the Grand Wizard of the Klu-Klux-Klan pops up to offer some friendly advice. Unfortunately I don’t speak Japanese, so this is completely irrelevant.

Configuring this game at all is also impossible. It looks like there’s nothing I can do except take this ass kicking with pride.

Justin McDonald(s): AND WHEN YOUR FEARS SUBSIDE, AND SHADOWS STILL REMAIN …OOOH YEAH! I KNOW THAT YOU CAN LOVE ME, WHEN THERE’S NO ONE LEFT TO BLAME! SO NEVER MIND THE DARKNESS, WE STILL CAN FIND A WAY! BECAUSE NOTHING LASTS FOREVER …EVEN COLD NOVEMBER RAIN!

Justin suggests that I try a different character, so I pick Rario, who is some sort of Ryu/Mario hybrid. He only has two attacks, that being standing fierce punch and roundhouse kick (ducking does nothing) but at least he has some cool specials.

Rario’s version of a Shinku Hadouken

As I beat the crap out of this guy in a Zaku outfit, you’ll notice that the background is ripe with cosplayer cameos including people from Choibits, Power Rangers, Dragon Ball Z, and Rei Ayanami from Neon Genesis Evangelion. You’ve probably noticed by this bad cropping job that I’m defragging my hard drive while playing this game (bad idea, I know!) Rest assured that the controls are sloppy and unresponsive regardless of CPU usage, and that this game is nearly unplayable.

what the fuck? It’s a robot Pac-Man out of nowhere! This doesn’t even make sense! I can wipe the floor with one scrub, but a two man corner assault teamed with shitty controls is gonna be my downfall. Maybe the Grand Wizard has some advice:

Nope.

After finally overcoming the odds, Rario moves on to fight… I don’t even know what that is. Notice the Michael Jackson in the background, complete with backup dancers.

Trust me, this isn’t what it looks like.

After defeating whatever the hell that was, I fight the Zaku guy once more. Ippo is chilling in the background with some chick from Melty Blood and a couple of guys from JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. I think it’s time to play as one of the normal characters, and “normal” is a term that I use loosely here.

I randomly pick Lizard, who looks like a white Bob Marley. After picking a “normal” character, you’re given the choice of “normal mode” or “battle royale mode” by the bitches from Chobits. You’ll also note that due to the terrible coding of this game, the menu choices have a lifebar, and you have a super meter. I choose battle royale mode, and am greeted with this:

Justin McDonald(s):SHE’S GOT A SMILE THAT IT SEEMS TO ME… REMINDS ME OF CHILDHOOD MEMORIES! WHERE EVERYTHING, WAS AS FRESH AS THE BRIGHT BLUE SKY! …NOW AND THEN WHEN I SEE HER FACE, SHE TAKES ME AWAY TO THAT SPECIAL PLACE …AND IF I STARED TOO LONG, I’D PROBABLY BREAK DOWN AND CRY! …OH SWEET CHILD O’ MINE …SWEET LOVE OF MINE

Reusing jokes from old Maroonx articles is a great idea, even if my readers have no idea what I am talking about. I do it frequently. Actually, you’re greeted with this:

It all makes sense now.

Justin McDonald(s): MAMA TAKE THIS BADGE FROM ME! I CAN’T USE IT ANYMOOOORE! IT’S GETTING DARK …TOO DARK TO SEE! FEELS LIKE I’M KNOCKING ON HEAVEN’S DOOR! …KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCKIN’ ON HEAVEN’S DOOR! KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCKIN’ ON HEAVEN’S DOOR-OOOR-OOOR!

Shut up Justin. I’m not even giving you or Marion Credit for this article!

Battle Royale mode is… more of the same, only now there are twice as many people beating the crap out of you, and you have a randomly selected partner that doesn’t do anyhting useful. You’ll also notice a Vash the Stampede, Green Turbo Ranger, one of the Evangelion Angels, and Internet Legend Fat Yuna among the spectators.

I really have no idea.

Okay, that’s enough. Let’s try “normal mode,” which is a traditional mano-a -mano battle to the death. It turns out that the character I picked has a plethora of Evangelion related attacks, which is actually kind of cool.

What’s not cool is that all of these attacks stem from his crotch. I feel sorry for his losing opponents.

That’s just wrong. I really can’t say much more about this game if I want to keep my sanity. I really don’t want to end up like Justin.

That’s the best advice this guy’s given yet!
Download your very own copy of Super Cosplay Wars Ultra by clicking here! The Grand High Wizard commands it!

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