Tammy Is A Better Movie Than Lucy. How The Hell Did That Happen?
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I would like to tell you that Tammy is one of, if not THE most horrendous movies that I have seen since being hired at the movie theater. I really want to. I really, REALLY do… But I can’t.

Honestly, Susan Sarandon perfectly played the part of a drunk old woman, tired of living her life, and fully embracing the Tao of Yolosim. Jenny McCarthy may have been an annoying, fat, vulgar waste of genetic material, but that also happens to be the audience that this particular movie is catering to. I didn’t want to see Tammy, but after being physically dragged into the theater to do my job as a jaded internet journalist, I walked out alive.

I fared better than the Resident Evil franchise, at least.

I have been sitting on this particular review for about a month, unsure about how I would write an entertaining piece of literature about this subject, but then another movie named after a woman was released, and gave me enough to bitch about to write a small fucking novel…

Since seeing the initial marketing for Lucy, I was rather enthusiastic. The concept, although heavily borrowed from Japanese anime like Canaan, was fresh and interesting at a time where Romantic Comedies, Superhero Blockbusters, and Generic Horror Stories owned the cinema marquees. I want to gently insert my penis into Scarlett Johansson. Luc Besson was attached to the project. What could possibly go wrong?

Tammy may have been a horrendously disgusting, annoying eyesore, but at least she knew how to show a guy a good time. Lucy was the epitome of a dead lay. I THOUGHT I was going to see a high-octane Science Fiction Action movie. Instead I watched a pretentious trainwreck that was barely held together by National Geographic stock footage and bad editing, lightly seasoned with nonsensical garbage stolen from anime, improperly placed to cause maximum annoyance to any Otaku worth their salt.

Otakus like this guy.

Scarlett Johansson played her part perfectly, despite the trash pile of a script that she was given to work with, but Morgan Freeman was clearly only there to cash a paycheck and make the movie seem more intelligent than it actually is. Not since Dolphin Tale have I witnessed such an utter misuse of this man’s talent. It’s the equivalent of casting Danny Trejo in a direct to DVD action movie simply because people know his name and he happens to be a big Mexican guy.

There are many different directions that they could have taken the Dr. Manhattan concept of a woman who trades her humanity for power. They could have had a woman who was so mistreated by the world that damaged her and took her for granted simply decide that there was no use for it, since concepts such as morality and understanding no longer apply to her. They could have had that world band together to destroy her, as mankind is known to do to things that they fear and don’t understand. They could have had a thought provoking story about what mankind would do, were it to encounter the equivalent of a God. They could have even given us a slow burn leading up to Lucy’s Godhood, and told a tale of her struggle to come to terms with evolution, and left us to debate the concept of progress. Instead, they almost immediately gave her the full extent of her power, and then did nothing of worth with it.

A little movie from 1988 got the idea right. Maybe you’ve heard of it?

The man who gave us “Taken” and “The Professional” gave us this crap. How is that even possible? The motherfucking trailer was more entertaining than the movie itself. The worst part about it is that idiots who don’t know any better will think that this movie is somehow deep and meaningful. I had a mentally handicapped girl that I work with tell me that “It was really good. You just have to open up your mind and think about it.” I will say the same thing that I said about Inception. The movie isn’t brilliant and complex simply because you don’t understand it. It’s entirely possible that the movie just doesn’t make any sense. Get your ass on Google and do some actual fucking research if this concept interests you. This rubbish is worth a paltry 5/10. Watching Akira will be better for your brain, but watching Lucy and seeing Scarlett Johansson in her underwear will be better for your penis.