Crabby McFartlice

Crabby McFartlice
Crabby McFartLice started life off in the United States, but he would soon move to Canada, during which time he would bag many a fine looking woman. While there, he become an expert marksman, representing Canada in the 1992 Summer Olympics in 50 metre rifle shooting. While an expert at standing and prone firing, McFartLice was never up to par with his fellow Olympians at shooting while kneeling. This cost him the gold medal, which was won by Hrachya Petikyan. After suffering the defeat, McFartLice moved into hiding, and started living under the alias of 'Jizzy TitFarts'. He would found the 'Jizzy TitFarts Trio', a jazz piano trio that gained worldwide acclaim for their progressive arranges of the standards. Despite the success, Crabby wanted more, and eventually turned to a life of crime. For several years, he ran the largest meth lab in Southern Ontario. It wasn't until one faithful evening when his good friend and fellow methhead Stained CumRags almost overdosed. Crabby had to rely on the medical skills he had picked during his Olympic training, which consisted of shooting dolphins then shooting the god damned hippies who would try and save them. Sometimes, Crabby's hits wouldn't kill the dirty hippies instantly, and he eventually learned how to care for and raise the hippies, releasing them back into the world as functioning adults, capable of seeking gainful employment, and getting a fucking haircut. Stained CumRags was suffering from a serious seizure, convulsing violently. McFartLice prevented him from choking on his tongue, and took him to the hospital. He would soon realize that he needed to get his life back in line, which is when he started training to join The Blue Angels. Despite being the best pilot Canada had ever seen, only Americans can join The Blue Angels, and he was denied access. Years passed and McFartLice would turn into a bulbous slob, sleeping with overweight redheads and smoking three packs of Marlboro Menthol cigarettes a day. After a while, he stopped caring, and started writing about the times he jerked off to middle aged Sears models in the nineties, and started asking questions about Shaq's dick. McFartLice's shameless storytelling brought him critical acclaim from the internet world, and it's suggested he's worth at least eighty internet dollars. He's currently using his internet money to fund his world internet tour, and it starts at Robot Boombox.

How To Be An Elitist Music Hipster Faggot Dong Fucker

There is no explanation that would fit in this box that could do a better job than this article’s own title.

X-Men Wolverine Origins Before The Beginning I Can’t Remember The Title

It’s definitely a movie that had Wolverine in it, so in that regards it was successful.

Reclamation

After re-reading his previous article, Crabby thinks that he owes a compliment to one of the current Saturday Morning Cartoons kin.

Saturday Morning Cartoons

Saturday morning cartoons sure have gone downhill since Crabby was a boy.

Nineties Kids

“Stop trying to cling to a niche just because you think it gives you a right to be an elitist twat on the internet who complains how good things used to be. Things got better. Except for you.”

Shaq’s Dick

Crabby McFartLice rambles about his unusual fantasies involving Shaq.

My Friend Brad

Crabby McFartLice remembers traumatizing a friend.

The Forty Year On-Ramp

I have done acid twice in my life, the first time is far more interesting. To protect the parties involved, I will use fake names. These are their actual names because no one knows my real name is Edward, and it doesn’t fucking matter, for all you know my name could be David, and the names may or may not be fake. It’s the internet. Who gives a shit?

Relationships

“Then you keep riding this shuttle, you’re on your 14th mission, and you’re starting to notice all it’s faults. This once majestic and amazing machine is starting to show it’s wear.”

Sock’s Fucking Computer

This was Frank’s favorite article on THI, and now it’s preserved on RBX in all its glory.