The Pedantic Nimrod
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Being a moron on the internet is no new thing. Hell, there were idiots on shit like Usenet and BBS before the internet existed. I’m sure the internet’s Alexander Graham Bell moment was someone sending “ur a fag” in plaintext over a Teletype machine. However, given the vastness of the web, new types of idiocy are evolving on a daily basis. Our example today comes from Kotaku, stomping ground of self-important Web-2.0 pseudo-intellectuals.

According to ancient Hebrew legend, Nimrod was a great king who built a tower that was so high, God struck it down in a demonstration of his power. According to much more recent Marvel legend, Nimrod was a Sentinel from the future that was sent back in time in an intensely retarded X-Men plotline that more than likely resulted in Jean Grey coming back to life (because they all do).

Regardless of the source of the term, the internet is rife with nimrods building towers of idiocy in the form of comment threads. The pedantic nimrod is the type of person who will not only argue a point even though they are wrong, but argue for their point so hard that they will warp reality in the process, somehow convincing themselves of two diametrically opposed viewpoints at once.

Take this exchange posted on an article about the original 2D Grand Theft Auto’s map being remade in 3D:

Seems innocent enough, right? I mean, the guy just has a simple question. What’s wrong with that?

He’s kind of confusing how the screen renders images VS how the engine renders images here, but still harmless enough. He’s just a guy trying to learn more about 3D technology. An admirable pursuit, if I do say so myself.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. On a related note, in case anyone is interested, I looked up Rockstar’s original design document for what became first GTA. The buildings are stored as a set of flat sprites in an array that are then constructed into blocks, with the rest of the game being sprite-based perspective trickery. So, yes, while the buildings are technically in 3D, the engine used to create them is still 2D (the engine sees the buildings as a set of sprites rather than a single object).

“In my head, I’m right. And Grandma told me that’s all that matters, ’cause I’m speshal.” God forbid that we interfere with this dude’s headcanon. Newsflash, bro: I can’t jump off a bridge and start flying just because that’s how that shit works “in my head”.

Anybody else find it interesting that this guy keeps saying he’s not trying to “be a smart-ass”, even though if he isn’t one than the only other possibility is that he’s incapable of deductive reasoning? No? Just me?

But what if GTA is isometric “in my head”? Does it count then? Or are you somehow simultaneously arguing for and against textbook definitions? Because I think that’s a technical foul if we’re playing by International Internet Argument rules. It’s also a technical foul in the NHL, but only counts in the MLB if you have a “designated hitter”. You just have to make sure to hit the cutoff man. Keep your eye on the ball, son. Choke up on the bat. Sports.

I’d watch that bottom comment, man. You don’t want John Carmack to come kick your ass. Doom’s engine was full 3D, for a number of boring technical reasons that anybody can dig up in Carmack’s .plan files or see in one of his keynotes if they are so inclined. In layman’s terms, the Doom engine uses 3D math, whereas the GTA engine uses 2D math. If you were to stick Doom’s levels in some sort of holoprojector, it would render out fine. Doing the same to GTA would result in some visual errors. As for the whole “my screen is 2D, ergo all games are 2D” argument, John has you covered there as well.

Also, bonus points for referencing Wikipedia. Totally valid in Internet Court.

I love how this dude has a guy basically lay everything out for him, and yet still doesn’t get it. Also, fuck you for intentionally “being obnoxious”. There are people taking time out of their day to try to help you learn something, the least you could do is not be a jackass about it. This is the type of guy who argues that fucking a corpse technically isn’t rape.

I think we found the crux of this guy’s argument, and my major issue with him. He seems to think that everything boils down to his opinion, regardless of the facts presented to him. I just love it when people who have no knowledge of a subject try to tell me what’s up. Homeboy sounds like a Fox News anchor.

I’ve never seen someone so set in their opinion have such a lack of confidence in their opinion. Someone call the Ministry of Truth for a commendation, this guy’s mindset is doubleplusgood.

And thus ends the long, confusing saga of one Kotaku poster. There are worse individuals on the internet, but this guy was pretty goddamn bad. So fuck him. The end.