Last time on the adventures of Space Punisher we watched our hero set out on a fantastic journey to destroy the evil Six-Fingered Hand, perform Symbiote/Brood genocide with a Lightsaber, incinerate a man with an orbital laser, and watch fish porn.
We left off with The Punisher about to square off with Space Sabertooth, The Space Leader, and Space Deadpool, but this issue opens with a terrifying shot of The Incredible Space Hulk utterly destroying The Space Fantastic four. Also, he has four arms. This may be the most metal thing I have ever seen. Like, seriously bro. He’s smacking the Space Human Torch with Space Thing’s severed arm. He tied Space Reed Richards into a knot.
We learn through an argument between Space General Ross and a Space Nerd that Space Hulk is a lot like the regular Hulk, except he’s the greatest threat to the Universe since Galactus. Yeah, THAT Galactus. The guy that eats planets.
Space Ross doesn’t wanna ask the Space Avengers for help because it’ll make him look bad or something, which is a pretty good reason to put the entire universe in danger. Instead we’re introduced to Space Doc Samson. If I said The Punisher had a Flash Gordon thing going on, I was seriously mistaken. This guy takes the cake.
Within two panels Samson’s entire crew is decimated and he is strangled with his own hair by Space Hulk. The idea of The Hulk just floating around in space, destroying stuff with his Goro arms is seriously metal. I’m really liking this guy.
Back at the Barracuda’s safe house, we see that the assassins sent by the Six-Finger Hand have beaten the crap out of Frank Castle between issues. While they’re distracted arguing about whether Mortal Kombat can seriously be considered a legitimate competitive Fighter or not with a still dying Barracuda lying on the floor, Frank has time to impale Space Sabertooth with Laser Claws.
The Punisher begins blocking bullets with the claws while returning fire like some kind of ninja cowboy and Space Deadpool’s rambling on about Space fetishes reminds me that this comic had Corsair making love to a Space Horse in the previous issue. Comics have been changed forever.
All of a sudden The Hulk shows up out of nowhere and murders all three of the assassins for no apparent reason. He actually rips Deadpool’s head off and throws it into space. So cool. Also, how come none of these people are suffocating with a giant hole in the wall? ALSO, why didn’t Frank just incinerate these guys with his giant space laser, like he did to the bouncer at the Starjammer?
Space Hulk and Space Frank get into a very one-sided fight before Chip, who I had already completely forgotten about, shows up and saves the day. The duo grab what’s left of Space Leader and teleport out of there. Barracuda is still lying on the floor, bleeding. Hulk eats him.
Back on his ship, Punisher plays doctor with The Leader, eventually getting him to reveal that Space Dr. Octopus hired the assassins to kill Frank. For his cooperation he gets thrown out of an air lock. Funny how that kills him, but when Hulk tore a Kool-Aid Man sized hole in the side of the building a couple pages back, he was fine.
A few Hours later Castle is reflecting on how much he misses his family as he looks at a hologram of them. He cries manly tears before being interrupted by that annoying robot sidekick. It sounds like Dr. Octopus, who seems to have found himself attached to the front of the ship and is now beginning to melt like an Ellio’s Pizza, is ready to talk.
Doc Ock tells The Punisher that the remaining members of the Six-Fingered Hand are meeting on Skrullworld. They don’t like the idea of being hunted down and murdered one by one. Frank blows his head off.
Frank sets his sights on the remaining four members of the Space Mafia, but it seems as if he’s being watched…