Punisher Week – Space Punisher Part Three
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Previously in the ongoing adventures of the heroic Space Punisher, Frank Castle made pizza with the nefarious Doctor Octopus, went toe to toe with the incredibly awesome Space Hulk, and stole a page out of Wolverine’s book with some gimmicky laser claws! Barracuda also managed to lie on the floor bleeding for twenty five pages.

We last left off with Frank heading to Skullworld to crash a meeting between the four remaining members of the evil Six-Fingered Hand. So far these comics have managed to constantly top themselves in the “batshit crazy” category. Every time I think the magic is starting to wear off, I turn the page and see something screencap worthy. Will issue three be able to keep up the momentum? Issue one gave us fish porn and a space orgy. The second issue told us that The Hulk could probably beat up Galactus. It’s going to be a tough mountain to climb and-

Why did I even doubt this comic?

Holy shit, it’s The Punisher standing on top of a MOUNTAIN of dead bodies, firing twin machineguns at an endless army of alien Hitlers in a homage to Doom! This is literally the FIRST page!

Sadly, there is only so many Space Hitlers that you can shoot before you run out of bullets. Frank gets overrun, and they literally have to pile on top of him to stop his onslaught. He’s captured alive and brought to the Six-Fingered Hand’s meeting room. Before Red Skull can get two words out Castle punches him, Captain America style.

The bad guys fuck The Punisher up a bit before Chip bursts out of the corpse of Doctor Octopus that Frank brought with him and kills everyone in the room. I am quickly realizing that this book should have been called “Chip the robot and his sidekick The Space Punisher”, as almost every issue has Chip doing most of the hard work while Castle takes all of the credit. Apparently Space Red Skull has the super power of being able to puke up alien Hitlers on a whim, which is both weird and intriguing. Too bad Frank Castle stuffs one of Space Goblin’s pumpkin bombs in his mouth.

I wil have to keep this one in my back pocket for the next time somebody asks that “what super power would you want?” question.

Frank throws Red Skull’s flaming head at Ultron, distracting him long enough for Chip to rip his brain straight out of his face. Hacking Ultron’s robot brain reveals that The Watchers are the ringleaders of the whole Six-Fingered Hand, in case I didn’t tip you off enough in part two of this article.

Back of The Punisher’s Spaceship (are you getting tired of my liberal use of the word “Space” yet?), Frank is being implanted with a tracking device, because he’s about to pull some crazy shit like only The Punisher can. I like how his ship’s Artificial Intelligence is named after his dead wife, and talks to him as such. It was a nice touch that while small, really brings some Humanity to Frank’s character. It also makes sense that a guy who lost his family would build himself a surrogate one.

The Space Avengers have their own planet in this continuity. Seems that Frank Castle’s plan it to teleport into their trophy room, steal a bunch of awesome cosmic weaponry, and then bail. Too bad he runs into Space Jarvis, who beats the crap out of him.

It terrifies me to think about what Aunt May could be capable of.

Space Jarvis is not only a master of hand to hand combat. he can also catch bullets with his bare hands. Frank gains possession of a rather large gun, and we learn that Jarvis can also PUNCH ROCKETS BACK AT PEOPLE. Why didn’t they send THIS guy after Space Hulk? Castle has his ship teleport the guy into outer space, where I’m sure he somehow survives without oxygen. I’m convinced that this butler can do anything.

Retrieving what they set out to do, Frank and Chip get the heck outta there before they encounter a killer maid. Heading to the Blue Area of the Moon where The Watchers hang out, Chip is blown up instantaneously. Frank whips out the item that he stole from The Space Avengers, which happens to be The Ultimate Nullifier. The Watchers believe that he’s bluffing, since using it would destroy the entire universe…